getting there
the wind is howling ferociously. i heard that a lot of local people lost electricity today because of trees that had fallen from the gales. fortunately, my power is still on. so here we are.
when i got up today, it only took me a few minutes to realize that tina had never come in the night before. i went to the door, but since it had been raining for hours already, i knew that she was probably not within earshot, but huddled up under something somewhere keeping warm and dry. i called and called her, even taking her food dish out at one point and shaking it. i remember thinking if she didn't show before i left for work, she might once i came back. at my mom's she had learned to recognize my car (by its sound and shape?), and would come running back to the house as i pulled into the driveway. instead of panicking, i decided i'd breathe, relax, and send her telepathic messages to come home. ah, the power of projection. around 3:30, an hour and a half before i had to leave for work, i opened the front door to call again, and she came running onto the porch, meowing as if she were so happy i had opened the door. she came in chirping and rubbing against me, and i picked her up and wrapped my arms around her to warm her. she'd made it back before the temperature fell, and i was so glad nothing had happened to her.
i am still fast-healing, both emotionally and physically. yesterday was the first day in some time that i felt like myself again. i know it helped to have a solo dance party in the middle of the afternoon. i've been sleeping well, eating decently, and taking more time to sift through the thoughts that jam up the freeway of progress. it helped too that i got to talk with three different friends over the course of the evening. made me feel needed. purposeful. smart. i like that people like me and want to be around me. that's a nice feeling.
i could tell i felt better this week too because i was no longer annoyed by couples. i guess i had to get a little bitterness out of my system that was wrapped up in the anger and disappointment.
it also made a huge difference to receive some correspondence from you-know-who. i was fretting over the fact that i hadn't heard from him, because of course i assumed the worst--that i had annoyed him, that i had overwhelmed him, that he didn't care about me or want to be a part of my life. and really he was just busy, and not feeling in the right mindset to be available. it wasn't personal. but i needed the email to know that for sure, and i appreciated that he took a few minutes to let me know we were cool. i wonder if he realizes we still have to have a conversation. my response to his decision. i still have the right to express how i felt, and i feel much better about doing it after the fact because my emotions were exaggerating everything and not allowing me to see more clearly. now i feel more at peace with it. i still don't like it, but i can accept it, i have to, and i know that i don't want to be rid of him completely. there's a lot more for us both to learn from one another.
tina is curled up on my hip, purring. i've still got on my work clothes. i thinking about quantum psychology and feeling excited about the profession i've chosen to become a part of. i've got a lot of studying to do tomorrow, so i think it's time to wind down and settle in.
inhale the good shit, exhale the bad shit.
repeat.
when i got up today, it only took me a few minutes to realize that tina had never come in the night before. i went to the door, but since it had been raining for hours already, i knew that she was probably not within earshot, but huddled up under something somewhere keeping warm and dry. i called and called her, even taking her food dish out at one point and shaking it. i remember thinking if she didn't show before i left for work, she might once i came back. at my mom's she had learned to recognize my car (by its sound and shape?), and would come running back to the house as i pulled into the driveway. instead of panicking, i decided i'd breathe, relax, and send her telepathic messages to come home. ah, the power of projection. around 3:30, an hour and a half before i had to leave for work, i opened the front door to call again, and she came running onto the porch, meowing as if she were so happy i had opened the door. she came in chirping and rubbing against me, and i picked her up and wrapped my arms around her to warm her. she'd made it back before the temperature fell, and i was so glad nothing had happened to her.
i am still fast-healing, both emotionally and physically. yesterday was the first day in some time that i felt like myself again. i know it helped to have a solo dance party in the middle of the afternoon. i've been sleeping well, eating decently, and taking more time to sift through the thoughts that jam up the freeway of progress. it helped too that i got to talk with three different friends over the course of the evening. made me feel needed. purposeful. smart. i like that people like me and want to be around me. that's a nice feeling.
i could tell i felt better this week too because i was no longer annoyed by couples. i guess i had to get a little bitterness out of my system that was wrapped up in the anger and disappointment.
it also made a huge difference to receive some correspondence from you-know-who. i was fretting over the fact that i hadn't heard from him, because of course i assumed the worst--that i had annoyed him, that i had overwhelmed him, that he didn't care about me or want to be a part of my life. and really he was just busy, and not feeling in the right mindset to be available. it wasn't personal. but i needed the email to know that for sure, and i appreciated that he took a few minutes to let me know we were cool. i wonder if he realizes we still have to have a conversation. my response to his decision. i still have the right to express how i felt, and i feel much better about doing it after the fact because my emotions were exaggerating everything and not allowing me to see more clearly. now i feel more at peace with it. i still don't like it, but i can accept it, i have to, and i know that i don't want to be rid of him completely. there's a lot more for us both to learn from one another.
tina is curled up on my hip, purring. i've still got on my work clothes. i thinking about quantum psychology and feeling excited about the profession i've chosen to become a part of. i've got a lot of studying to do tomorrow, so i think it's time to wind down and settle in.
inhale the good shit, exhale the bad shit.
repeat.
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