finding things to enjoy about the present
november 9, 2014
there is something comforting about the hum of the space heater. probably because it reminds me of my father. how he would keep it on in his bathroom in the winter. i'd open the door and this wave of heat wrapped around me, sometimes so much so that it was stifling.
i've been thinking about how difficult it is to get through a day without remembering one of my "problems." how even if i were able to resolve one thing, there would still be plenty of other things for me to find wrong with my life. how so many of the issues i have are related to money, and therefore feel out of my control, because i am not willing to sacrifice more of who i am and what i love just to earn more. and how i use this excuse as well to avoid doing what is within my control, because what's the point of doing something good for myself when it will not resolve all the other things? this story i tell myself is really difficult to get away from. it does not feel like something i just tell myself. i do not feel powerless; i am the author of my own life, but the younger version of myself made decisions that the present version of myself regrets, and there is nothing i can do to change that. i've corrected my course, adjusted my trajectory, and there is still no guarantee that things will be alright. they will just be. and i will interpret them how my mood sees fit.
i had a dream last night that i was sitting outside, somewhere near a campus that was not at all like SRU's, reading a newspaper, when i felt something take control of my finger. it touched my face, then traced a line down my neck to my chest, then the feeling expanded to engulf both of my hands, and they began flipping through the pages of the newspaper i was reading to a full-page ad for the powerball. i was excited, at first, because i thought some ghost was going to tell me the winning lottery numbers, but then my hand began scribbling numbers that didn't make sense for the powerball (they were varying lengths of digits, including some that were three spaces long, like "005), and then the entity explained to me, in writing, that i had to solve a math puzzle to figure out what numbers i was supposed to play, and i argued that the ghost knew damn well i was no good at math, and that i wouldn't be able to solve the puzzle.
later in the dream, i realized i was running late to class. i began walking down a path, then saw my professor about to get into his car to drive across campus to the building where we both needed to be. i shouted his name, and asked for a ride, and while he was finishing his conversation with someone else, he opened the back door of his black sedan and let me into the car. he dropped me off, and i went to the room i thought i was supposed to be in, but instead of it being the right class, there were a group of people there i did not recognize as classmates. a young woman approached me, and it wasn't long before i realized that the people in the room meant to do me some kind of harm. but by this point in the dream, my lucid abilities kicked in, and i since i didn't want to be attacked by these people, who apparently were using some form of psychic body control over me, i started to use my own psychic powers to fight against the main woman who was trying to stab me with a pair of, what looked like, medical scissors. it worked, and she realized i would not be an easy victim, so i ended up just trying to look at the experiments they were trying to conduct in the classroom, then left to find the class i was actually supposed to be in.
there are some other fragments that i remember, but those two scenes remain the most vivid. i can't help but feel like i should play the lottery. so when i woke, i began fantasizing about what i would do with the money i can win. i tried to stop myself from thinking too much about it, but killed several minutes daydreaming before i picked up my phone and found a different way to kill the time between waking and wanting to get up from lying down.
yesterday, abbie and meghan came to visit, along with fAe. they all ended up staying for about six hours--it was a proper visit. and at some point meghan read all of us our astrological "chart" according to our birthdate. mine provided a power thought that was something about being excited for the future and my development. and i found that interesting, because that is something i've been struggling with--looking forward to the future. i mean, all of what i am doing now in terms of school has to do with providing a brighter future for myself. but it's hard not to think about the time in between that i am still going to struggle. that it will still be difficult to do things because of financial limitations. that it is harder to take care of myself because i don't earn enough money. without giving up what free time i do have, and what principles i do have, and what limits i have in terms of the types of jobs i'm willing to do, there isn't anything i can do to make more money. i've thought about quitting the gas station to find a 9-5 office-type job that would allow me to still get to night class. but i like my schedule. i mean--i don't like only having one day off, but i like having time during the days i have class to do homework. i like having a day off that i can use for myself. if i were working 9-5 during the week, i would have to get all of my homework done on the weekend, and probably in one day to allow at least one day of the week free of homework. but i could quit teaching if i were working 40 hours at one job. but i wouldn't have health insurance. not at first anyway. and i don't want to get fined. and besides all that--there aren't any jobs i can do within a 10 mile radius that will hire me. i just don't have a broad skill-set. so i'm stuck. and i'm back to just looking forward to the time when all the work i do now pays off. in another couple of years, or more, when i am working in the field i am preparing to be a part of.
i've been struggling mentally with a lot of things. loving myself enough. feeling i deserve the same things everyone else deserves. feeling angry at the structure of our society. feeling angry at myself for taking so long to decide what career path i want to follow. feeling like i do too much and not enough. so today, i don't mind taking some time just to enjoy being. i don't want to watch television. i don't even want to read. i want to sit and drink my coffee, get some chores done, and try to prepare for the new week so that my brain doesn't feel full of spam. so that's what i'm doing. feeling the warmth from the space heater float up my body, feeling the keys beneath my fingers. cuddling with tina, who is frustrated i will not let her into my lap right now. and gazing out the window at the sun coming through the trees. just trying to feel at peace. no rush. no homework. no anxiousness. just breathing and typing and thinking and enjoying the shelter i have as the season unfolds.
there is something comforting about the hum of the space heater. probably because it reminds me of my father. how he would keep it on in his bathroom in the winter. i'd open the door and this wave of heat wrapped around me, sometimes so much so that it was stifling.
i've been thinking about how difficult it is to get through a day without remembering one of my "problems." how even if i were able to resolve one thing, there would still be plenty of other things for me to find wrong with my life. how so many of the issues i have are related to money, and therefore feel out of my control, because i am not willing to sacrifice more of who i am and what i love just to earn more. and how i use this excuse as well to avoid doing what is within my control, because what's the point of doing something good for myself when it will not resolve all the other things? this story i tell myself is really difficult to get away from. it does not feel like something i just tell myself. i do not feel powerless; i am the author of my own life, but the younger version of myself made decisions that the present version of myself regrets, and there is nothing i can do to change that. i've corrected my course, adjusted my trajectory, and there is still no guarantee that things will be alright. they will just be. and i will interpret them how my mood sees fit.
i had a dream last night that i was sitting outside, somewhere near a campus that was not at all like SRU's, reading a newspaper, when i felt something take control of my finger. it touched my face, then traced a line down my neck to my chest, then the feeling expanded to engulf both of my hands, and they began flipping through the pages of the newspaper i was reading to a full-page ad for the powerball. i was excited, at first, because i thought some ghost was going to tell me the winning lottery numbers, but then my hand began scribbling numbers that didn't make sense for the powerball (they were varying lengths of digits, including some that were three spaces long, like "005), and then the entity explained to me, in writing, that i had to solve a math puzzle to figure out what numbers i was supposed to play, and i argued that the ghost knew damn well i was no good at math, and that i wouldn't be able to solve the puzzle.
later in the dream, i realized i was running late to class. i began walking down a path, then saw my professor about to get into his car to drive across campus to the building where we both needed to be. i shouted his name, and asked for a ride, and while he was finishing his conversation with someone else, he opened the back door of his black sedan and let me into the car. he dropped me off, and i went to the room i thought i was supposed to be in, but instead of it being the right class, there were a group of people there i did not recognize as classmates. a young woman approached me, and it wasn't long before i realized that the people in the room meant to do me some kind of harm. but by this point in the dream, my lucid abilities kicked in, and i since i didn't want to be attacked by these people, who apparently were using some form of psychic body control over me, i started to use my own psychic powers to fight against the main woman who was trying to stab me with a pair of, what looked like, medical scissors. it worked, and she realized i would not be an easy victim, so i ended up just trying to look at the experiments they were trying to conduct in the classroom, then left to find the class i was actually supposed to be in.
there are some other fragments that i remember, but those two scenes remain the most vivid. i can't help but feel like i should play the lottery. so when i woke, i began fantasizing about what i would do with the money i can win. i tried to stop myself from thinking too much about it, but killed several minutes daydreaming before i picked up my phone and found a different way to kill the time between waking and wanting to get up from lying down.
yesterday, abbie and meghan came to visit, along with fAe. they all ended up staying for about six hours--it was a proper visit. and at some point meghan read all of us our astrological "chart" according to our birthdate. mine provided a power thought that was something about being excited for the future and my development. and i found that interesting, because that is something i've been struggling with--looking forward to the future. i mean, all of what i am doing now in terms of school has to do with providing a brighter future for myself. but it's hard not to think about the time in between that i am still going to struggle. that it will still be difficult to do things because of financial limitations. that it is harder to take care of myself because i don't earn enough money. without giving up what free time i do have, and what principles i do have, and what limits i have in terms of the types of jobs i'm willing to do, there isn't anything i can do to make more money. i've thought about quitting the gas station to find a 9-5 office-type job that would allow me to still get to night class. but i like my schedule. i mean--i don't like only having one day off, but i like having time during the days i have class to do homework. i like having a day off that i can use for myself. if i were working 9-5 during the week, i would have to get all of my homework done on the weekend, and probably in one day to allow at least one day of the week free of homework. but i could quit teaching if i were working 40 hours at one job. but i wouldn't have health insurance. not at first anyway. and i don't want to get fined. and besides all that--there aren't any jobs i can do within a 10 mile radius that will hire me. i just don't have a broad skill-set. so i'm stuck. and i'm back to just looking forward to the time when all the work i do now pays off. in another couple of years, or more, when i am working in the field i am preparing to be a part of.
i've been struggling mentally with a lot of things. loving myself enough. feeling i deserve the same things everyone else deserves. feeling angry at the structure of our society. feeling angry at myself for taking so long to decide what career path i want to follow. feeling like i do too much and not enough. so today, i don't mind taking some time just to enjoy being. i don't want to watch television. i don't even want to read. i want to sit and drink my coffee, get some chores done, and try to prepare for the new week so that my brain doesn't feel full of spam. so that's what i'm doing. feeling the warmth from the space heater float up my body, feeling the keys beneath my fingers. cuddling with tina, who is frustrated i will not let her into my lap right now. and gazing out the window at the sun coming through the trees. just trying to feel at peace. no rush. no homework. no anxiousness. just breathing and typing and thinking and enjoying the shelter i have as the season unfolds.
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