un-hating hearts and other unexpected life changes
if you look back through my writing, you can probably find several rants about valentine's day and how i hate how it's marketed and how i hate hearts and heart-shaped things (except that song from nirvana). so if you had read all those things and then witnessed me in dollar general, impulse buying a coffee mug decorated with hearts and lovebirds, you would be as perplexed as i am.
perplexed isn't the right word. confused, maybe. a little scared, maybe. disappointed even. it isn't that i think my identity is this fixed thing. it isn't that i don't think my tastes can change, preferences evolve. it's just that...when you are brainwashed with a particular way of thinking, then break free of that way of thinking and create your own definitions, it feels traitor-ish to suddenly do something that supports the dark side.
oh, i know--it's just a goddamn coffee mug. but for me, what i agree to consume is an extension of my values and how conscious i am. not only that, but i know that my feelings about the new man in my life are also a proponent of that embarrassing purchase, which further embarrasses me...
which i guess also stems from my self-conditioned avoidance of emotional involvement, that was twice challenged recently, and ended with disappointment--thus reinforcing the idea that relationships will always cause me pain and disappointment. i began this interaction based on the idea that it would just be sex. i was surprised when it turned out there was more potential there than that, but i also struggle with the idea that he very likely will be moving to another state in a year...but regardless, his presence in my life has brought about this wonderful extra happiness that has yet to feel...like it won't last.
so a big part of my internal conflict has to do with admitting my feelings. admitting how much i like this guy, and how much i'm enjoying myself. letting myself feel that way. letting go a little more of the worry over if or when things will end between us. opening myself up a little more to the chance of being hurt. and i don't like that. it bothers me more, in fact, than becoming a traitor to my ideals regarding valentine's day.
i'm gonna keep exploring...
because this worry about things ending has already weasled its way into my brain, my imagination continues with that scenario and imagines the next woman he's with. so suddenly i'm comparing myself to an imaginary future woman. and that's where i have to stop myself. because not only is my ego becoming the focus of my pretend future disappointment, but i've completely tainted the reality of the present in which i am blissfully content with how things are.
so it's okay to have added to my mug collection a symbol of the place i'm at right now. it'll serve as a good reminder that i was able to feel this way. it'll serve as evidence that my likes and dislikes do change. it'll be another little thing that gets added to the otherwise mundane routine that is waking, doing, thinking, and resting.
and besides, it's much more functionally permanent than chocolates, which i have also bought myself around valentine's day. the functional part still fits into my scheme of things that are not a complete waste of money.
alright. new feelings in check. ideals intact. i'm good. onto the next life challenge.
perplexed isn't the right word. confused, maybe. a little scared, maybe. disappointed even. it isn't that i think my identity is this fixed thing. it isn't that i don't think my tastes can change, preferences evolve. it's just that...when you are brainwashed with a particular way of thinking, then break free of that way of thinking and create your own definitions, it feels traitor-ish to suddenly do something that supports the dark side.
oh, i know--it's just a goddamn coffee mug. but for me, what i agree to consume is an extension of my values and how conscious i am. not only that, but i know that my feelings about the new man in my life are also a proponent of that embarrassing purchase, which further embarrasses me...
which i guess also stems from my self-conditioned avoidance of emotional involvement, that was twice challenged recently, and ended with disappointment--thus reinforcing the idea that relationships will always cause me pain and disappointment. i began this interaction based on the idea that it would just be sex. i was surprised when it turned out there was more potential there than that, but i also struggle with the idea that he very likely will be moving to another state in a year...but regardless, his presence in my life has brought about this wonderful extra happiness that has yet to feel...like it won't last.
so a big part of my internal conflict has to do with admitting my feelings. admitting how much i like this guy, and how much i'm enjoying myself. letting myself feel that way. letting go a little more of the worry over if or when things will end between us. opening myself up a little more to the chance of being hurt. and i don't like that. it bothers me more, in fact, than becoming a traitor to my ideals regarding valentine's day.
i'm gonna keep exploring...
because this worry about things ending has already weasled its way into my brain, my imagination continues with that scenario and imagines the next woman he's with. so suddenly i'm comparing myself to an imaginary future woman. and that's where i have to stop myself. because not only is my ego becoming the focus of my pretend future disappointment, but i've completely tainted the reality of the present in which i am blissfully content with how things are.
so it's okay to have added to my mug collection a symbol of the place i'm at right now. it'll serve as a good reminder that i was able to feel this way. it'll serve as evidence that my likes and dislikes do change. it'll be another little thing that gets added to the otherwise mundane routine that is waking, doing, thinking, and resting.
and besides, it's much more functionally permanent than chocolates, which i have also bought myself around valentine's day. the functional part still fits into my scheme of things that are not a complete waste of money.
alright. new feelings in check. ideals intact. i'm good. onto the next life challenge.
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