death and breakups
now, i know that the title of this post seems to contradict the theme of this blog, but i'm still making the effort to take something good away from what is painful. because life is full of pain of all different shades, and every color adds to the complexity and beauty of the whole picture of my life.
but it is always important to process. and it feels better to put it out there, because that helps me remember that there is no shame in sadness. because i know that it does not take the place of everything good in my life, it only becomes a bit louder for a time, and this is my effort to help turn the volume back down so that i can listen to the joy that still sings in my heart.
it's interesting to me how many forms of grief i have experienced. i know that for a long time it was very difficult for me to let go. when i was little, i was devastated over the loss of my first awesome cat, peaches. at another point in my childhood, i barely grasped the significance of my godfather dying, though i knew his death affected my mother in a way that i would some day understand. as i got older, and people i knew started to die, then i experienced those stages of grief that they've identified, though not necessarily all of them, and not necessarily in a particular order.
when someone breaks up with you, it's another kind of loss. and like with death, the degree of the connection or love that you felt toward the person gone from your life determines the depth of the pain you feel after losing them. in both cases, you have to move on. obligations do not wait for you to pull yourself back together, and there is comfort in knowing that i have not given into despair any of the times that grief has taken a hold of me. it's proof of my strength, and proof of my self-awareness.
one of the differences between someone dying and someone breaking up with you is that the person who breaks up with you is still out there somewhere living. and so part of me recognizes that if the person still wants to be a part of your life, that is something i should not let my ego prevent me from taking advantage of. because if i feel a connection beyond the romantic one that existed as well, and if that person can still be a meaningful and beneficial part of my enrichment as a human being, then it would be foolish not to embrace that.
and it forces me, again, to consider what i want. out of a relationship. what are the implications of having a long-term relationship? that it'll lead to marriage? that it'll lead to some sort of permanence in a life that is ever fluid and transformational?
it's hard because he made the choice to walk away, even though he admitted that there were feelings there. desiree asked me if the door was still open--if he came back would i let him in? but i know that there is no starting over. the way that he handled this is a reflection of how he has already defined how he wants to approach relationships for now. i mean, he could change his mind, but that means the next time there will have to be a certainty there that i don't know if either of us is really capable of having (because of what we've been through, and because we understand that a change of heart is always possible).
which is why marriage fascinates me, as opposed to being something that i just think is ridiculous, as i have for so long. because it means two people are attempting to fix someone into their lives, and work through the changes, the obstacles, the career shifts, the moving days, the death of loved ones, the meeting of new friends, the dynamics of extended families, all the curveballs and possibilities together. that's what it means to me, and that's what it means without even considering the comittment to parenthood that couples often include as part of the marriage package. he has already experienced a divorce. he's got first-hand knowledge of the way a relationship that began as something so sure became something that no longer worked. regardless of the reasons, he knows that there is no way to ensure that something will last forever, because people do change. they continue to grow. on one hand, this at least reinforces my opinion that people should not get married when they are young, but at the same time, i think it's only the taboo (and expense) of divorce that needs to be evaluated. because the moment that something becomes unhealthy because two people are no longer the same two people who started out together, then they should have the freedom to separate without the penalty of lawyers and fees. the process should not be further complicated than it already is.
the difficulty at this point has everything to do with my fragile ego and less to do with how the end of the romance has come about. and i know that it will be possible to be friends with him once i get over wanting him. but i run the risk, still, of harboring that desire. while part of me wants to be able to see him again and spend time with him in a platonic context, i know it will take some time before i feel comfortable allowing our relationship to continue in that way. and i know he understands that.
and then i think about the parameters of a friendship and how they too should be built on honesty and forthrightness. it isn't as if i have to become a different person within the confines of a friendship with him; i just have to be able to handle the risk of future disappointment that will exist as long as i hope that he changes his mind about me.
the urge to be with another man struck me soon after the tears i'd shed over this whole ordeal. and a friend even used the line, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new." but i know that sex is no way to ease the pain. i know that looking for affirmation through something as simple as sex is only coming from the part of me that worries it will be too long before someone else recognizes how amazing i am. the same friend suggested that this was the universe's way of telling me not to bother with men, and that i should go back to dating a woman. but i know this too is an oversimplification. a misinterpretation of the lesson that this experience is offering.
because the fact is that i can already see the ways that he has helped me to grow. i am already aware of what he has helped me to realize, refine, or remember. it's easy for friends to take my side and attack his character or his intentions or his behavior, but i know that he is not a scumbag. i know that he's evolved. he's tapped in. he's awake. and i know too, as fAe reminded me, that it was only a matter of time before a soul as beautiful as his was drawn to me in the ways that i needed. because the older i get, the more confidence i emit, the better i learn to conduct happiness rather than negativity, then the more people who are similar will gravitate toward me. it's the law of attraction--i believe that.
maybe part of him had to put an end to it because he recognized that his feelings were starting to increase, but the bigger part of him felt he was not ready for that. i can't fault him for that. i can't be angry because he isn't ready to be with me. and i surely would not have wanted him to do anything that wasn't true to himself. and while i do think it would have been nice to work through the internal conflicts we were both feeling, i also think that the fact that he shut me out of that process is, again, and indication of the fact that he was not ready to let me in that deep.
and we all know how deep i like to get.
and i am fully aware that there is the possibility that if we had stayed together, i would've been the one responsible for the heartbreaking. because there is just no way to know how long things will last. and i think that it's safe to say we both did a good job enjoying things while they did last. i can be mad at him for spending so much time with me. i can be sad that he wasn't satisfied enough with me to stick around and hump some more. i can hope that the next woman he gets involved with isn't as cool as i am, and i can be upset over the possibility that she'll provide him with a longer state of bliss than i did. but all those concerns are over the past and the future. and if i try to focus on the moment, and i strip away all of the pain that comes directly from my ego, i can see that this was not a bad thing, and that it is nowhere near as difficult as grieving over someone who's left the earthly plane.
he is still out there. he says he wants to be friends, and i have to believe that is because he still recognizes something in me that allows a connection to prevail. and if that is my perspective, then that is a triumph rather than a loss.
once again, i have documented these things to serve as a reminder whenever sadness comes knocking.
but it is always important to process. and it feels better to put it out there, because that helps me remember that there is no shame in sadness. because i know that it does not take the place of everything good in my life, it only becomes a bit louder for a time, and this is my effort to help turn the volume back down so that i can listen to the joy that still sings in my heart.
it's interesting to me how many forms of grief i have experienced. i know that for a long time it was very difficult for me to let go. when i was little, i was devastated over the loss of my first awesome cat, peaches. at another point in my childhood, i barely grasped the significance of my godfather dying, though i knew his death affected my mother in a way that i would some day understand. as i got older, and people i knew started to die, then i experienced those stages of grief that they've identified, though not necessarily all of them, and not necessarily in a particular order.
when someone breaks up with you, it's another kind of loss. and like with death, the degree of the connection or love that you felt toward the person gone from your life determines the depth of the pain you feel after losing them. in both cases, you have to move on. obligations do not wait for you to pull yourself back together, and there is comfort in knowing that i have not given into despair any of the times that grief has taken a hold of me. it's proof of my strength, and proof of my self-awareness.
one of the differences between someone dying and someone breaking up with you is that the person who breaks up with you is still out there somewhere living. and so part of me recognizes that if the person still wants to be a part of your life, that is something i should not let my ego prevent me from taking advantage of. because if i feel a connection beyond the romantic one that existed as well, and if that person can still be a meaningful and beneficial part of my enrichment as a human being, then it would be foolish not to embrace that.
and it forces me, again, to consider what i want. out of a relationship. what are the implications of having a long-term relationship? that it'll lead to marriage? that it'll lead to some sort of permanence in a life that is ever fluid and transformational?
it's hard because he made the choice to walk away, even though he admitted that there were feelings there. desiree asked me if the door was still open--if he came back would i let him in? but i know that there is no starting over. the way that he handled this is a reflection of how he has already defined how he wants to approach relationships for now. i mean, he could change his mind, but that means the next time there will have to be a certainty there that i don't know if either of us is really capable of having (because of what we've been through, and because we understand that a change of heart is always possible).
which is why marriage fascinates me, as opposed to being something that i just think is ridiculous, as i have for so long. because it means two people are attempting to fix someone into their lives, and work through the changes, the obstacles, the career shifts, the moving days, the death of loved ones, the meeting of new friends, the dynamics of extended families, all the curveballs and possibilities together. that's what it means to me, and that's what it means without even considering the comittment to parenthood that couples often include as part of the marriage package. he has already experienced a divorce. he's got first-hand knowledge of the way a relationship that began as something so sure became something that no longer worked. regardless of the reasons, he knows that there is no way to ensure that something will last forever, because people do change. they continue to grow. on one hand, this at least reinforces my opinion that people should not get married when they are young, but at the same time, i think it's only the taboo (and expense) of divorce that needs to be evaluated. because the moment that something becomes unhealthy because two people are no longer the same two people who started out together, then they should have the freedom to separate without the penalty of lawyers and fees. the process should not be further complicated than it already is.
the difficulty at this point has everything to do with my fragile ego and less to do with how the end of the romance has come about. and i know that it will be possible to be friends with him once i get over wanting him. but i run the risk, still, of harboring that desire. while part of me wants to be able to see him again and spend time with him in a platonic context, i know it will take some time before i feel comfortable allowing our relationship to continue in that way. and i know he understands that.
and then i think about the parameters of a friendship and how they too should be built on honesty and forthrightness. it isn't as if i have to become a different person within the confines of a friendship with him; i just have to be able to handle the risk of future disappointment that will exist as long as i hope that he changes his mind about me.
the urge to be with another man struck me soon after the tears i'd shed over this whole ordeal. and a friend even used the line, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new." but i know that sex is no way to ease the pain. i know that looking for affirmation through something as simple as sex is only coming from the part of me that worries it will be too long before someone else recognizes how amazing i am. the same friend suggested that this was the universe's way of telling me not to bother with men, and that i should go back to dating a woman. but i know this too is an oversimplification. a misinterpretation of the lesson that this experience is offering.
because the fact is that i can already see the ways that he has helped me to grow. i am already aware of what he has helped me to realize, refine, or remember. it's easy for friends to take my side and attack his character or his intentions or his behavior, but i know that he is not a scumbag. i know that he's evolved. he's tapped in. he's awake. and i know too, as fAe reminded me, that it was only a matter of time before a soul as beautiful as his was drawn to me in the ways that i needed. because the older i get, the more confidence i emit, the better i learn to conduct happiness rather than negativity, then the more people who are similar will gravitate toward me. it's the law of attraction--i believe that.
maybe part of him had to put an end to it because he recognized that his feelings were starting to increase, but the bigger part of him felt he was not ready for that. i can't fault him for that. i can't be angry because he isn't ready to be with me. and i surely would not have wanted him to do anything that wasn't true to himself. and while i do think it would have been nice to work through the internal conflicts we were both feeling, i also think that the fact that he shut me out of that process is, again, and indication of the fact that he was not ready to let me in that deep.
and we all know how deep i like to get.
and i am fully aware that there is the possibility that if we had stayed together, i would've been the one responsible for the heartbreaking. because there is just no way to know how long things will last. and i think that it's safe to say we both did a good job enjoying things while they did last. i can be mad at him for spending so much time with me. i can be sad that he wasn't satisfied enough with me to stick around and hump some more. i can hope that the next woman he gets involved with isn't as cool as i am, and i can be upset over the possibility that she'll provide him with a longer state of bliss than i did. but all those concerns are over the past and the future. and if i try to focus on the moment, and i strip away all of the pain that comes directly from my ego, i can see that this was not a bad thing, and that it is nowhere near as difficult as grieving over someone who's left the earthly plane.
he is still out there. he says he wants to be friends, and i have to believe that is because he still recognizes something in me that allows a connection to prevail. and if that is my perspective, then that is a triumph rather than a loss.
once again, i have documented these things to serve as a reminder whenever sadness comes knocking.
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