taking a moment to be grateful
discovering the depth and the strength of my powers.
"and just a whiff of her ferment'll make you weak in the knees."
yesterday i found myself crying, and realized even as it was happening that it was the result of the time i'd spent partying the night before. but it was too tempting in that state not to fret over the long-term effects of being involved romantically with a man. so it led to tears and smacking myself in the forehead saying, "stop that, why are you doing this to yourself?" and the cycle continued on until my body was finally spent enough to find sleep. in those moments, i feel so angry at hormones for having this power over my mood. but i'm also getting better and better at stopping long enough to question my tears. and if i understand that they're coming from a hormonal rage and a body running on caffeine the day after some gin-drinking and cigarette smoking--well, then it isn't too hard not to let the sad consume me. i think it's important to have a go-to list of the things i have to be happy about or grateful for. they stare me in the face every day, but for the times i'm stubborn to let the light back into my heart, i need to put them into words, to remember more easily.
there is only minor editing in the narration of one's thoughts.
keep moving.
my family. my beautiful mother, my lovely sisters, my amazingly supportive, intelligent extended family. the fact that i'm only a few miles from my immediate family is something i feel fortunate about.
my friends. words cannot describe my pleasure in meeting so many lights similar to my own. they've added adventures and explorations that i wouldn't have experienced otherwise.
my education.
my things. many of them given to me, passed down, or acquired through my travels. including my wardrobe, which makes me feel spoiled. and including my books, many of which i've actually read, and many more of which i am determined to read before i die. but through the possessions i've surrounded myself with, i am reminded of the complex web of my own little existence, and the lives that have shaped me, and the moments i've been so lucky to have in this life.
my tina. i will always be a cat person. and though my heart aches missing hobbes, i feel fortunate to have her company, her presence, and her quirks, which are often a source of entertainment. i am not "living alone" simply because her companionship.
time. i have been able, again, to sacrifice monetary stability for the sake of not stressing myself out anymore than i have to be. i know how much stress i can handle, and i know how much makes me want to kill myself. and i'm not ashamed of the fact that i've accepted the stress of not being able to buy groceries every week over the stress of feeling like my soul has been bought. i'm so thankful for the times throughout a week when i am able to return to myself, meditate, clean, cook, and simply relax.
robert. to be at such a good place in my life and have the affections of a man who is also positive and conscious and creative and amazing in bed is absolutely something i am enjoying. going along with having more time, i am grateful for the extended visits we're able to have together. i'm grateful for our quiet days together. and by quiet i just mean the music isn't turned up a little louder. i enjoy our conversations, our flirtations, our collaborations--every aspect of our interactions.
my talents.
my hair.
my eyes.
laughter. the kind that spills out of me before i even know it's happening.
and, i can't neglect my shelter. despite how ridiculously high the gas bill is this winter, it is refuge from the elements, and it is cozy and pleasant because of the memories i've already filled it with.
there's plenty more. but i'm getting tired of looking at the screen. i'm going to keep listening to blackalicious and play around on my phone. after weeks and weeks of not being able to pass a particular board, i finally did last night. i was able to fall asleep with much more resolve. it's so silly how particular about which apps i'm going to let be a part of my life. for some reason, jelly splash is just the level of involvement that i require in a game. so, on that note, i'm going to go stare at a smaller screen, let my thoughts continue to collect and scatter and settle, and fall asleep in my warm (albeit back-pain inducing) bed.
"and just a whiff of her ferment'll make you weak in the knees."
yesterday i found myself crying, and realized even as it was happening that it was the result of the time i'd spent partying the night before. but it was too tempting in that state not to fret over the long-term effects of being involved romantically with a man. so it led to tears and smacking myself in the forehead saying, "stop that, why are you doing this to yourself?" and the cycle continued on until my body was finally spent enough to find sleep. in those moments, i feel so angry at hormones for having this power over my mood. but i'm also getting better and better at stopping long enough to question my tears. and if i understand that they're coming from a hormonal rage and a body running on caffeine the day after some gin-drinking and cigarette smoking--well, then it isn't too hard not to let the sad consume me. i think it's important to have a go-to list of the things i have to be happy about or grateful for. they stare me in the face every day, but for the times i'm stubborn to let the light back into my heart, i need to put them into words, to remember more easily.
there is only minor editing in the narration of one's thoughts.
keep moving.
my family. my beautiful mother, my lovely sisters, my amazingly supportive, intelligent extended family. the fact that i'm only a few miles from my immediate family is something i feel fortunate about.
my friends. words cannot describe my pleasure in meeting so many lights similar to my own. they've added adventures and explorations that i wouldn't have experienced otherwise.
my education.
my things. many of them given to me, passed down, or acquired through my travels. including my wardrobe, which makes me feel spoiled. and including my books, many of which i've actually read, and many more of which i am determined to read before i die. but through the possessions i've surrounded myself with, i am reminded of the complex web of my own little existence, and the lives that have shaped me, and the moments i've been so lucky to have in this life.
my tina. i will always be a cat person. and though my heart aches missing hobbes, i feel fortunate to have her company, her presence, and her quirks, which are often a source of entertainment. i am not "living alone" simply because her companionship.
time. i have been able, again, to sacrifice monetary stability for the sake of not stressing myself out anymore than i have to be. i know how much stress i can handle, and i know how much makes me want to kill myself. and i'm not ashamed of the fact that i've accepted the stress of not being able to buy groceries every week over the stress of feeling like my soul has been bought. i'm so thankful for the times throughout a week when i am able to return to myself, meditate, clean, cook, and simply relax.
robert. to be at such a good place in my life and have the affections of a man who is also positive and conscious and creative and amazing in bed is absolutely something i am enjoying. going along with having more time, i am grateful for the extended visits we're able to have together. i'm grateful for our quiet days together. and by quiet i just mean the music isn't turned up a little louder. i enjoy our conversations, our flirtations, our collaborations--every aspect of our interactions.
my talents.
my hair.
my eyes.
laughter. the kind that spills out of me before i even know it's happening.
and, i can't neglect my shelter. despite how ridiculously high the gas bill is this winter, it is refuge from the elements, and it is cozy and pleasant because of the memories i've already filled it with.
there's plenty more. but i'm getting tired of looking at the screen. i'm going to keep listening to blackalicious and play around on my phone. after weeks and weeks of not being able to pass a particular board, i finally did last night. i was able to fall asleep with much more resolve. it's so silly how particular about which apps i'm going to let be a part of my life. for some reason, jelly splash is just the level of involvement that i require in a game. so, on that note, i'm going to go stare at a smaller screen, let my thoughts continue to collect and scatter and settle, and fall asleep in my warm (albeit back-pain inducing) bed.
Comments
Post a Comment