the life that happens despite my plans
for me, changing the year at the end of the date i write on things means taking account of all that has happened since the first of the past year. just today, there was a meme on facebook with two speech bubbles--the first one asked what what you accomplished in 2014, and the second just said survived. i laughed out loud, and almost shared it, but then started thinking about the connotation behind survived and wondered how many different interpretations of that one-word answer there are.
i did survive. and in some ways i managed to thrive. while in other i simply struggled to maintain the level i was at.
it isn't easy being a human. being aware.
so yeah, i survived another year. managed not to develop the worst coping mechanisms in response to what i had to deal with, though i did sort of retreat hermit-style for a bit at times. but, like my therapist pointed out, there are worse ways. i didn't hit any rock bottom this past year. i lived and learned, and i know that's what's most important when it comes down to it.
i'm still working on my ego. it gets in the way much more than i would prefer. it complicates processes where it would seem logic and maturity would otherwise offer some comfort. some easier resilience.
there's that word: resilience. the ability to bounce back. the ability to keep moving forward without displaying too many characteristics of the wounds potentially inflicted. experience can be cruel. regardless of the clarity of hindsight, there is also distance that allows for acceptance to grow into appreciation and gratitude. one more story. one more moment to interpret as you will. maybe memories are just like books that we reread and find new things in. maybe the more distance we have from them, the more opportunities there are to apply fresh perspective. objectivity. okay, maybe objectivity is going too far--but there is certainly something about time that enriches the things that hang in our past. the heavier things. the things that have shaped us. the things that have moved us. changed us. made us happy and sad--you know, the things of living.
one of the things i felt repeatedly throughout the year was that i was doing too much but not enough. that was a conflict that surfaced amid the parade of events that colored the year. relationship experiences and surgeries and recoveries and visits. famines and feasts. tears and laughter (heavier on the laughter side, no doubt--in the end).
i remain my own worst enemy. that is something i am still trying to work on.
i think i rely too much on what i do or don't do as a measure of worth. i still spend time feeling worthless, and i would like to get past that. maybe worthless isn't the right word. i feel sometimes as though the space i inhabit could be better served by a tree. i suppose since a tree has about as much a chance of surviving into old age as i do, both of us would do well to enjoy being.
and i do make time for that. i'm doing that now, in fact. enjoying myself. that's what the holidays mean for me. a time to reflect, spend time with family and friends, catch up on projects that i have outside of school, catch up on sleep, and do a little reorganizing of the homestead to compliment the dusting off of thoughts that fell dormant again beneath the weight of stress and self-defeating habits.
my mother spoiled us with some lovely gifts this year, but i truly enjoyed being able to spend time with my family above any of the consumerism that has become a part of this season. i was thrilled to realize on christmas eve that my bank account had much more money in it than i thought, because i had been prudent once some bills were paid. although i am nowhere near the point of not worrying about money, it is nice that i've managed to keep my bank account from being negative for most of this year. hooray for better financial responsibility.
i can think of things that i would like to accomplish over the new year, but i still don't like the idea of resolutions for the new year. i just like having goals. it's still a new thing for me. it was nice to have straight As this semester, too, because i felt proud of all that i had learned; the grades felt like an accurate reflection of everything i had worked for, even though it wasn't necessarily shocking that i was able to accomplish that. my brain definitely earned plenty of wrinkles with the new information it acquired.
and, even though it might sound terrible, i watched some amazing television this year. stuff that made me think. that made me imagine. that triggered dialogues and rants and dreams. tv was my alcohol, i guess. and i know that just like with booze, i'll reach a point i don't use it as much anymore. in the meantime, television often substitutes for the books i can't read while i'm in school. i'm alright with that.
i can feel the weight i've put on over the year, so i'm ready to start working on that as well. i know what works for me, and it's just a matter of taking time a few days a week to do it. i just have to think of it as more quality alone time. and once i reap the benefits of feeling better, it'll be easier to continue.
i will have had a few dates over the break, but i think i imagined having more time to devote to getting to know new people than was realistic. i'm glad, however, that it was even possible to arrange for said dates. good conversations with new people, even if it is just the one date, is better than bad conversations with people who don't help your faith in humanity.
and i'm so glad i've had tina another year. since hobbes died, our interactions have evolved, and i enjoy her company so much. she's a hundred times better than a plant, even if she is not as complex as a human. she is the queen of laps. my owl cat. who is more vocal more often now, and who delivers dead mice with food pellets in their stiff mouths to the floor next to my bed. she is the sweetest dilute tortoise-shell cat i have ever known, even if she drives me crazy when i'm trying to sing.
i'd like to do more with art this year. visual art. i wonder if i still have pastels in my art box, or if the bookstore on campus has them relatively cheap. i don't like painting. i think i'd like some charcoal too. and big pads of paper. i should fashion an easel.
alright, i've started planning more for the upcoming year, and that probably signifies that it's time to go to sleep. better close my eyes before another wave of ideas rolls out, destroying the next hour.
happy thoughts, happy nights, happy old year.
i did survive. and in some ways i managed to thrive. while in other i simply struggled to maintain the level i was at.
it isn't easy being a human. being aware.
so yeah, i survived another year. managed not to develop the worst coping mechanisms in response to what i had to deal with, though i did sort of retreat hermit-style for a bit at times. but, like my therapist pointed out, there are worse ways. i didn't hit any rock bottom this past year. i lived and learned, and i know that's what's most important when it comes down to it.
i'm still working on my ego. it gets in the way much more than i would prefer. it complicates processes where it would seem logic and maturity would otherwise offer some comfort. some easier resilience.
there's that word: resilience. the ability to bounce back. the ability to keep moving forward without displaying too many characteristics of the wounds potentially inflicted. experience can be cruel. regardless of the clarity of hindsight, there is also distance that allows for acceptance to grow into appreciation and gratitude. one more story. one more moment to interpret as you will. maybe memories are just like books that we reread and find new things in. maybe the more distance we have from them, the more opportunities there are to apply fresh perspective. objectivity. okay, maybe objectivity is going too far--but there is certainly something about time that enriches the things that hang in our past. the heavier things. the things that have shaped us. the things that have moved us. changed us. made us happy and sad--you know, the things of living.
one of the things i felt repeatedly throughout the year was that i was doing too much but not enough. that was a conflict that surfaced amid the parade of events that colored the year. relationship experiences and surgeries and recoveries and visits. famines and feasts. tears and laughter (heavier on the laughter side, no doubt--in the end).
i remain my own worst enemy. that is something i am still trying to work on.
i think i rely too much on what i do or don't do as a measure of worth. i still spend time feeling worthless, and i would like to get past that. maybe worthless isn't the right word. i feel sometimes as though the space i inhabit could be better served by a tree. i suppose since a tree has about as much a chance of surviving into old age as i do, both of us would do well to enjoy being.
and i do make time for that. i'm doing that now, in fact. enjoying myself. that's what the holidays mean for me. a time to reflect, spend time with family and friends, catch up on projects that i have outside of school, catch up on sleep, and do a little reorganizing of the homestead to compliment the dusting off of thoughts that fell dormant again beneath the weight of stress and self-defeating habits.
my mother spoiled us with some lovely gifts this year, but i truly enjoyed being able to spend time with my family above any of the consumerism that has become a part of this season. i was thrilled to realize on christmas eve that my bank account had much more money in it than i thought, because i had been prudent once some bills were paid. although i am nowhere near the point of not worrying about money, it is nice that i've managed to keep my bank account from being negative for most of this year. hooray for better financial responsibility.
i can think of things that i would like to accomplish over the new year, but i still don't like the idea of resolutions for the new year. i just like having goals. it's still a new thing for me. it was nice to have straight As this semester, too, because i felt proud of all that i had learned; the grades felt like an accurate reflection of everything i had worked for, even though it wasn't necessarily shocking that i was able to accomplish that. my brain definitely earned plenty of wrinkles with the new information it acquired.
and, even though it might sound terrible, i watched some amazing television this year. stuff that made me think. that made me imagine. that triggered dialogues and rants and dreams. tv was my alcohol, i guess. and i know that just like with booze, i'll reach a point i don't use it as much anymore. in the meantime, television often substitutes for the books i can't read while i'm in school. i'm alright with that.
i can feel the weight i've put on over the year, so i'm ready to start working on that as well. i know what works for me, and it's just a matter of taking time a few days a week to do it. i just have to think of it as more quality alone time. and once i reap the benefits of feeling better, it'll be easier to continue.
i will have had a few dates over the break, but i think i imagined having more time to devote to getting to know new people than was realistic. i'm glad, however, that it was even possible to arrange for said dates. good conversations with new people, even if it is just the one date, is better than bad conversations with people who don't help your faith in humanity.
and i'm so glad i've had tina another year. since hobbes died, our interactions have evolved, and i enjoy her company so much. she's a hundred times better than a plant, even if she is not as complex as a human. she is the queen of laps. my owl cat. who is more vocal more often now, and who delivers dead mice with food pellets in their stiff mouths to the floor next to my bed. she is the sweetest dilute tortoise-shell cat i have ever known, even if she drives me crazy when i'm trying to sing.
i'd like to do more with art this year. visual art. i wonder if i still have pastels in my art box, or if the bookstore on campus has them relatively cheap. i don't like painting. i think i'd like some charcoal too. and big pads of paper. i should fashion an easel.
alright, i've started planning more for the upcoming year, and that probably signifies that it's time to go to sleep. better close my eyes before another wave of ideas rolls out, destroying the next hour.
happy thoughts, happy nights, happy old year.
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