new territory
october 26, 2014
i'm pouring my non-dairy hazlenut creamer into a steaming cup of fresh coffee, watching the plumes of caramel-colored liquid clouds churn up and settle. stirring the cup until the color evens out, i am thinking about the first date i had the night before, and how surreal it still feels having met someone new.
so far, there is much about him that i am not used to. i have never been that close with anyone who spent time in a warzone. nor have i met too many men who truly make the effort to take things slowly. and i understand--the desire to be protective. the caution that exists to ensure that when you share your body with someone, you're sharing more. it's just rare. i explained to him how usually i'm the girl that men either want to bed or be friends with. there's not been much in between. and few men have been patient enough to establish a closeness before encouraging touch.
i'm conditioned by my experiences, but i'm aware of it. so i'm trying something new. new in practice, not in theory. i couldn't help but think of how with a couple of other guys who i really liked, i didn't want to fuck them right off. not because i didn't want to, but because i felt like that was a mistake. like it made it too easy to get caught up in the physical and to neglect the other parts of connecting--the real ones. and if i know that part of the reason i've had so few orgasms with men is because of a psychological disconnect, then it makes complete sense not to rush. what is the saying i had? "celibate until it's worth it." i might inadvertently be taking that to a new level. and i'm okay with that.
he said it sounded like i was bothered by it, and i had to think about that. am i used to someone's interest in me being confirmed by sex? yes. am i used to skin being an intended path toward closeness? yes. am i used to letting my hormones get what they want? yes. but i know all that is terribly counterproductive. and so there is a part of me that is rejoicing in the fact that this man has no intention of putting his body against mine just yet. not because his own hormones don't want to. not because it wouldn't be fun. but because he's not messing around. he's looking for something real. he's looking for something genuine and deep. he's looking for a connection, and there is nothing unattractive or frustrating about that. i'm simply not used to it.
so the challenge for me is...what? keeping it in my pants, for one. with him at least. it occurs to me that i have another first date of sorts next weekend. and in that scenario, there is already the hope of naked play. but it's a completely different situation. sort of. in that scenario, there is a woman who had never been with a woman, who is interested in seeing if she connects well enough with me to explore that side of her sexuality. she's already got the relationship. she's happy with a man save the nagging curiosity of what it is like to be with a woman. so that's where i come in. and if we meet and there is a mutual desire, then there will be an exploration. but it's a very different scenario, you see. and for whatever reason, i'm convinced that it's safe, and that there's no risk of anyone getting hurt. it's friends with hopeful benefits.
but this man. that's different. and i'm glad that at this point i'm not worrying about how much i like him, or how much i'd be disappointed if he met someone else. he's not going to go jumping into bed with anyone else. and i know that if he talks to someone else, he will let me know. i know there will be honesty and forthrightness. i know there will be levity and then subdermal stimulation. i know there will be learning and fun. and really, what else could i have hoped for?
so back to the book that he loaned me. then onto studying. this might just be the sunday that i was hoping for.
i'm pouring my non-dairy hazlenut creamer into a steaming cup of fresh coffee, watching the plumes of caramel-colored liquid clouds churn up and settle. stirring the cup until the color evens out, i am thinking about the first date i had the night before, and how surreal it still feels having met someone new.
so far, there is much about him that i am not used to. i have never been that close with anyone who spent time in a warzone. nor have i met too many men who truly make the effort to take things slowly. and i understand--the desire to be protective. the caution that exists to ensure that when you share your body with someone, you're sharing more. it's just rare. i explained to him how usually i'm the girl that men either want to bed or be friends with. there's not been much in between. and few men have been patient enough to establish a closeness before encouraging touch.
i'm conditioned by my experiences, but i'm aware of it. so i'm trying something new. new in practice, not in theory. i couldn't help but think of how with a couple of other guys who i really liked, i didn't want to fuck them right off. not because i didn't want to, but because i felt like that was a mistake. like it made it too easy to get caught up in the physical and to neglect the other parts of connecting--the real ones. and if i know that part of the reason i've had so few orgasms with men is because of a psychological disconnect, then it makes complete sense not to rush. what is the saying i had? "celibate until it's worth it." i might inadvertently be taking that to a new level. and i'm okay with that.
he said it sounded like i was bothered by it, and i had to think about that. am i used to someone's interest in me being confirmed by sex? yes. am i used to skin being an intended path toward closeness? yes. am i used to letting my hormones get what they want? yes. but i know all that is terribly counterproductive. and so there is a part of me that is rejoicing in the fact that this man has no intention of putting his body against mine just yet. not because his own hormones don't want to. not because it wouldn't be fun. but because he's not messing around. he's looking for something real. he's looking for something genuine and deep. he's looking for a connection, and there is nothing unattractive or frustrating about that. i'm simply not used to it.
so the challenge for me is...what? keeping it in my pants, for one. with him at least. it occurs to me that i have another first date of sorts next weekend. and in that scenario, there is already the hope of naked play. but it's a completely different situation. sort of. in that scenario, there is a woman who had never been with a woman, who is interested in seeing if she connects well enough with me to explore that side of her sexuality. she's already got the relationship. she's happy with a man save the nagging curiosity of what it is like to be with a woman. so that's where i come in. and if we meet and there is a mutual desire, then there will be an exploration. but it's a very different scenario, you see. and for whatever reason, i'm convinced that it's safe, and that there's no risk of anyone getting hurt. it's friends with hopeful benefits.
but this man. that's different. and i'm glad that at this point i'm not worrying about how much i like him, or how much i'd be disappointed if he met someone else. he's not going to go jumping into bed with anyone else. and i know that if he talks to someone else, he will let me know. i know there will be honesty and forthrightness. i know there will be levity and then subdermal stimulation. i know there will be learning and fun. and really, what else could i have hoped for?
so back to the book that he loaned me. then onto studying. this might just be the sunday that i was hoping for.
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