friday morning
i woke this morning and heard grayson making noises as though another male cat were outside. when i got up at 7:40, i opened the back door to find the porch empty, the cardboard pile scattered, garbage can tipped over, and water dirty from the raccoon making a pit stop to wash its hands. i noticed that the screen where grayson had jumped through a month ago had been re-torn, tufts of fur stuck to the edges of the new hole. i didn't panic, because i knew from his last escape that he would return once the vastness of the outside intimidated the teenage male, though i hoped that he was not getting into a fight or raping some stray female. when i opened the front door to call him, grayson came slinking along the front of the house, crying already to be let back into the domain he's come to know as safe. i picked him up gently, and let tina out to avoid any confrontations (he just can't resist pouncing on her--she loudly voices her disdain). for a few minutes, he lay on the carpet in the kitchen, purring as i pet and scratched his back, his breaths short and shallow; his eyes blinking softly. despite his restlessness, i know that he is happy to have shelter and food. and though i get upset that i can't afford to take him to the vet, i know it is only a few more weeks until his owner is released from jail and can assist in his care. he is pacing now, from the bed where he can peek out the window, to the porch windows, and back. then he flops down on the top of the green dresser next to the window, where he can still peer through a gap at the yard next to the duplex. another animal must be outside, probably tina. he seems so jealous of her ability to enjoy the outdoors. he gets anxious. it's mostly the testosterone compelling him to chase and conquer, but still he seems happy to have a better, more interesting view than the one from the empty room he stayed in at jon's old apartment, where he could not reach any of the windows, and had only the comings and goings of the local police in the station parking lot next door.
i don't mind taking on the extra chore of housing and feeding the cat who i believed to be a female before i got him. it adds another form of distraction to the thoughts i'm prone to, and that is beneficial, especially when those thoughts are the kind i'm trying to generally avoid.
the other night during my first date with a younger man, i was able to enjoy myself on a level i have not been able to in quite some time. after he kissed me, after he left, i was elated. i was excited. i was surprised. and in that moment i was able to recognize my surprise, and felt even more happy to be experiencing that kind of response since the couple other dates i had had since february were lacking in the level of satisfaction i knew i needed to be interested in someone.
this year has been a ride so far. from the blissful beginning, when i was happily involved with a man my age, to the shock of being dumped and the unexpected surgery that set me back a week in school and with bills. from the death of a friend that sent me into another fit of sadness, to the acquisition of a young, precocious cat, and the death of my car which resulted in my mother cosigning for a 2011 hatchback. i've completed one summer course and have until the end of this month before i start the next one. i managed to obtain a supplemental installment of federal loans to pay for most of the summer course fees, and managed to make up the difference with one of my heavier paychecks. i will be able to make my car payments, and i am hoping there is not an expensive book for the last summer course, since money is even tighter now.
even during moments of grief and frustration and disappointment and that sense of powerlessness that comes with the territory of not having money, i have been able to keep my chin up. i have been able to look at the things i am experiencing and understand that they are just more bumps in the road. that they don't have to completely change my path. that they only temporarily slow my momentum. the momentum that comes from a sense of peace cradled within the complex layers of my identity, in the quiet of my soul. as long as i am able to return to that sense of self, then i find i am not defeated. and while sometimes it is difficult to derive a sense of purpose from what i feel thrown into or away from, i know the meaning i make from what i experience lies solely on my ability to accept and keep rolling forward.
the sun is moving over the side of the house, where it streams the most light into the window. i am not normally awake at this hour, but i had to get up to meet a friend on his way south. though he didn't have time to stop and chat, i am content being awake in the calm of the morning. grayson is staring at the moving leaves outside in the back yard, the whispering greens sway and dance in the cool, humid air. the coffee seems to be doing its job, though i know i will lie down soon in front of the oscillating fan and let my mind wander until it is required to do something more productive. but i'm grateful for this morning, and for the contentment that accompanies it.
i don't mind taking on the extra chore of housing and feeding the cat who i believed to be a female before i got him. it adds another form of distraction to the thoughts i'm prone to, and that is beneficial, especially when those thoughts are the kind i'm trying to generally avoid.
the other night during my first date with a younger man, i was able to enjoy myself on a level i have not been able to in quite some time. after he kissed me, after he left, i was elated. i was excited. i was surprised. and in that moment i was able to recognize my surprise, and felt even more happy to be experiencing that kind of response since the couple other dates i had had since february were lacking in the level of satisfaction i knew i needed to be interested in someone.
this year has been a ride so far. from the blissful beginning, when i was happily involved with a man my age, to the shock of being dumped and the unexpected surgery that set me back a week in school and with bills. from the death of a friend that sent me into another fit of sadness, to the acquisition of a young, precocious cat, and the death of my car which resulted in my mother cosigning for a 2011 hatchback. i've completed one summer course and have until the end of this month before i start the next one. i managed to obtain a supplemental installment of federal loans to pay for most of the summer course fees, and managed to make up the difference with one of my heavier paychecks. i will be able to make my car payments, and i am hoping there is not an expensive book for the last summer course, since money is even tighter now.
even during moments of grief and frustration and disappointment and that sense of powerlessness that comes with the territory of not having money, i have been able to keep my chin up. i have been able to look at the things i am experiencing and understand that they are just more bumps in the road. that they don't have to completely change my path. that they only temporarily slow my momentum. the momentum that comes from a sense of peace cradled within the complex layers of my identity, in the quiet of my soul. as long as i am able to return to that sense of self, then i find i am not defeated. and while sometimes it is difficult to derive a sense of purpose from what i feel thrown into or away from, i know the meaning i make from what i experience lies solely on my ability to accept and keep rolling forward.
the sun is moving over the side of the house, where it streams the most light into the window. i am not normally awake at this hour, but i had to get up to meet a friend on his way south. though he didn't have time to stop and chat, i am content being awake in the calm of the morning. grayson is staring at the moving leaves outside in the back yard, the whispering greens sway and dance in the cool, humid air. the coffee seems to be doing its job, though i know i will lie down soon in front of the oscillating fan and let my mind wander until it is required to do something more productive. but i'm grateful for this morning, and for the contentment that accompanies it.
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