today i turned off the heat
based on my experiences, i know how we can be our own worst enemies.
sometimes when i scroll through the newsfeed on facebook, i find that i'm comparing my accomplishments to others', and it never makes me feel good. i have to constantly remind myself that i am exactly where i need to be, and that i am doing what i need to do to work toward my own goals. it's just not time for me yet to think about buying a house. i'm lucky to own a car. it's not time for me yet to buy new furniture. what i have is functional, and suits my living space. it's not time for me yet to buy a juicer, but i'm making an effort to eat more fresh fruit every day. so i need to stop worrying about what i haven't accomplished, and keep remembering what i have been able to do by this point.
fAe stopped over last night, and after a long talk relating to the grief i'm still dealing with over the "break up," i talked about how i know how fortunate i am at this moment in my life. despite the health hassles. despite not having enough money. despite the frustrations i encounter regularly, i still feel content at the end of the day, and feel certain that if i were to die in my sleep, i'd die happy, knowing that i had lived a life true to my ideals, passions, and full of love.
i will look back on these days and feel proud of the way that i persevered through the struggles that do only make me stronger. i'll remember fondly how much i loved living alone in a cottage by the creek, where during the day i can blast my music, dance around, enjoy a cup of coffee, and write down my thoughts in a blog.
i've been making an effort to find dates. i've gained new friends and lovers over the past year. i'm doing fine in school. i'm more confident than i've ever been (and it gets better every year). and even though i'll be in debt the rest of my life (unless i hit the lottery or get a record deal), i have what i need to thrive--good people in my life, the support and encouragement and intelligence they offer, the best cat i could have hoped for as a roommate, access to resources that can help me to live a better life.
after class tonight i'm going to visit the lovely kate, whose company i have not had the pleasure of in months. although i know i need to start getting to bed earlier, i'm hoping we'll have a conversation that exhausts my brain so that i can sleep once i do get home. but just being able to look forward to spending time with someone who i know understands me, and whom i can understand, is beautiful, and precious.
i don't have much money, but the wealth of friendship and love in my life is astounding.
so it is with that in mind that i enter out into the day. shedding the residues of uncomfortable dreams and nasty thoughts that attempted to make me forget about everything good in my life.
and, as i said to fAe last night, it's my path, mothafucka." i don't need to worry about how i compare to others. i don't need to beat myself up when i don't recover from something as quickly as i think i should. i don't need to feel guilty for the ways that i feel i've failed, because it's not too late to try again. patience, kiki, patience. chin up, smile on, song in my heart--let's do this.
sometimes when i scroll through the newsfeed on facebook, i find that i'm comparing my accomplishments to others', and it never makes me feel good. i have to constantly remind myself that i am exactly where i need to be, and that i am doing what i need to do to work toward my own goals. it's just not time for me yet to think about buying a house. i'm lucky to own a car. it's not time for me yet to buy new furniture. what i have is functional, and suits my living space. it's not time for me yet to buy a juicer, but i'm making an effort to eat more fresh fruit every day. so i need to stop worrying about what i haven't accomplished, and keep remembering what i have been able to do by this point.
fAe stopped over last night, and after a long talk relating to the grief i'm still dealing with over the "break up," i talked about how i know how fortunate i am at this moment in my life. despite the health hassles. despite not having enough money. despite the frustrations i encounter regularly, i still feel content at the end of the day, and feel certain that if i were to die in my sleep, i'd die happy, knowing that i had lived a life true to my ideals, passions, and full of love.
i will look back on these days and feel proud of the way that i persevered through the struggles that do only make me stronger. i'll remember fondly how much i loved living alone in a cottage by the creek, where during the day i can blast my music, dance around, enjoy a cup of coffee, and write down my thoughts in a blog.
i've been making an effort to find dates. i've gained new friends and lovers over the past year. i'm doing fine in school. i'm more confident than i've ever been (and it gets better every year). and even though i'll be in debt the rest of my life (unless i hit the lottery or get a record deal), i have what i need to thrive--good people in my life, the support and encouragement and intelligence they offer, the best cat i could have hoped for as a roommate, access to resources that can help me to live a better life.
after class tonight i'm going to visit the lovely kate, whose company i have not had the pleasure of in months. although i know i need to start getting to bed earlier, i'm hoping we'll have a conversation that exhausts my brain so that i can sleep once i do get home. but just being able to look forward to spending time with someone who i know understands me, and whom i can understand, is beautiful, and precious.
i don't have much money, but the wealth of friendship and love in my life is astounding.
so it is with that in mind that i enter out into the day. shedding the residues of uncomfortable dreams and nasty thoughts that attempted to make me forget about everything good in my life.
and, as i said to fAe last night, it's my path, mothafucka." i don't need to worry about how i compare to others. i don't need to beat myself up when i don't recover from something as quickly as i think i should. i don't need to feel guilty for the ways that i feel i've failed, because it's not too late to try again. patience, kiki, patience. chin up, smile on, song in my heart--let's do this.
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